Archive for the 'Article Parody' category
How To Juggle Women Successfully
Monday, December 18, 2006 10:31 pmBy Madeline Murphy
Juggling women, also known as DMW (dating multiple women), is a tricky dating maneuver. If you attempt it recklessly, with no thought of protecting your own best interests, or the women’s feelings, you’re playing with fire.
Nonetheless, the advantages of DMW — such as no commitments, no mutual dependency and having a variety of women to choose from — often far outweigh the disadvantages, which can include ruining your reputation or facing a woman’s rage once she learns that she’s not the only one. It’s up to you to decide whether you should pursue this option with the calculated risks in mind.
If you still want to play, there are a few simple rules of thumb you can follow to have all the fun of dating without the hassles of a serious relationship.
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The Chargers have clinched the AFC Division Championship and are looking forward to losing in the playoffs this year. Coach Marty Schottenheimer is excited because there are still a couple teams that he has yet to lose to in the playoffs.
“We expect to be in every game of the regular season, but in the playoffs, I don’t stand a chance.”
All World Running Back, LaDanian Tomlinson is breaking all kinds of records this year, but knows that breaking Marty’s playoff futility is virtually impossible.
“We are tearing it up in the regular season, this is our crowning moment. We know the mojo going against Coach Schottenheimer is way too strong to overcome. Our only hope is to at least get to the AFC Championship game. If we do that for Coach, we have succeeded.”
Marty has been the number one seed in the playoffs several times before, including going 13-3 with homefield advantage throughout the playoffs in both 1995 and 1997 with the Chiefs, and blew each opportunity.
“I blame it on Ernest Byner.” Schottenheimer stated. “If he had only held on to the ball vs the Broncos in 1988.” He said, referencing, ‘The Fumble’. “I was coaching the Browns. We had a chance! Damn that Drive. Damn you, Ernest Byner! Damn you, John Elway!”
However, as it stands several thousand new bandwagoneers still think there is hope, as they aren’t familiar with Marty’s playoff futility.
“I just love this team. They have been around a few years now, I think… I went to my first game this year. We were loud. I like them. We are gonna win the Superbowl, I know it!” Said one fan, wearing a brand-new tucked in LaDanian Tomlinson jersey.
All of a sudden, fans of the 13-2 Chargers are coming out of the woodwork, spoutin’ off about how they have the best team in the NFL and are Superbowl bound, talking all kinds of smaque. However, they know not of the Curse of Marty/ Ernest Byner and their inevitable sad, sad fate.
©TimeCheeze.com
How To Pimp-Out Your Ride (in under one paycheck!)
Saturday, December 16, 2006 11:01 pm Turn this… |
 Into this! |
Do you gaze upon the cars of the street racers with awe and pride? Do you wish that someday, just maybe, you could be like them? (Except without the criminal record) If so, this article is for you! We will explore how to pimp-out your ride in under one paycheck. But be forwarned, in addition to looking cool, you will now have to worry about getting pulled over by the police because your car experience significant performance gains.
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INDIANAPOLIS–The Jacksonville Jaguars ran for a near-record 375 yards against the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday, and Colts GM Bill Polian has seen enough. Polian sent a letter to Commissioner Roger Goodell today urging him to crack down on teams running the ball against his defense. That strategy, according to Polian, is making it increasingly difficult for the Colts to have success at stopping the run.
“I did talk to the commissioner, and I did urge them to take some action against this,” Polian admitted to the Indianapolis Star on Monday. “It’s virtually impossible for our guys to compete when they’re having the ball shoved down their throats all day. Yesterday the Jaguars had two guys over 100 yards in the first half. The first half! By the end of the game they had some nobody third stringer in there rushing for touchdowns. It’s ridiculous. The league is going to have to address this at some point if it wants us to stop embarrassing ourselves every week.”
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How To Filter Out Dick Vitale
Saturday, December 9, 2006 12:08 am
If you are sick and tired of listening to Vitale, and you are fortunate enough to have access to an audio receiver + surround sound speakers, here is an easy and 100% effective way to eliminate Vitale and Patrick from your viewing experience. If the game is being broadcast in Dolby Digital 5.1 (not sure if that means the game has to be in high def or not, the audiophiles on the board can correct me), the audio is divided up such that the rear channels are *only* the ambient crowd and stadium noises.
On a whim during the Indiana game, I muted the front-left, front-center, front-right, and subwoofer - leaving only my rear channels. To my delight, the only sound remaining was that of Cameron: sneakers squeaking on the hard wood, the crowd shouting, and the occasional PA announcement. You don’t hear a peep out of ESPN! If you already have a surround sound setup, you should test this out (unless you enjoy hearing Vital sing ‘Hear Comes Santa Claus’).
BCS Determines No Team Worthy of Facing Ohio State
Friday, December 8, 2006 2:58 am
COLUMBUS, OH - In what many BCS officials are citing as “proof that their flawless system indeed works,” no Division 1-A college football team was found to possess the sheer excellence required to face Ohio State, the No. 1 ranked team since the season began, in this year’s BCS Championship game.
“The main job of the BCS is to place the best football players in the nation in a single game in order to decide the national champion,” said BCS chairman Mike Coleman. “This year, our computer took hours to process the polls’ relevant data—by which I mean the opinions of the nation’s finest sportscasters, sports-radio hosts, coaches, color commentators, and ESPN The Magazine contributors—and determined that no championship game is necessary. No team in America deserves to even step on the same field as Ohio State, let alone actually play in a game against them.”
“It’s good to know that, after the Harris and the USA Today polls carefully and painstakingly take
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Dan Marino Makes Racist Comments about Warren Moon.
Thursday, December 7, 2006 9:29 pm
Did you guys hear, on the NFL on HBO….Marino was asked why Michael Vick isn’t having more success in the NFL,and in the process he made some contoversial comments about Warren Moon….
Marino said Moon was a good athlete but was also obviously quite bright, then suggested that must mean he had an ancestor who is white.
“Warren doesn’t look like he’s that type that is just an athlete,” Marino said of Moon. “But he is an athlete who can, you know, think too. He is, man. I don’t know if some white relatives down in that line somewhere, I don’t know who saw what or where, his great-great-great-great-grandma ran over in the ’suburbs or something went down.”
Collinsworth tried to suggest to Marino that he shouldn’t go there, but Marino was having none of it, continuing:
“If great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa pulled one of them young black girls up out of the barn, ‘Come on in here for a second,’ you know, and they go out and work in the yard. You know, back in the day.”
I don’t particularly enjoy watching Marino on HBO, but I also don’t think he’s as bad a guy as he’s often made out to be….
Having said all that, I’m completely full of shit. I’m actually referencing Michael Irvin’s recent comments of Tony Romo.
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Bill Walton Spends Entire Lakers Broadcast Gushing About His Son
Tuesday, December 5, 2006 11:16 amLOS ANGELES—Bill Walton, the former NBA Most Valuable Player and popular current NBA broadcaster, spent the entire running time of Tuesday night’s Milwaukee Bucks–Los Angeles Lakers game lavishing praise and affection on his son Luke, a Lakers small forward.
“Just look at my big boy Luke standing tall and proud,” Walton said during the visiting team introductions, ignoring the on-screen graphics displaying the career stats of Bucks All-Star guard Michael Redd. “While my mentor, shaman, and spirit guide John Wooden taught me 99.999 percent of almost everything I knew about the greatest sport in the world, Luke taught me everything else—and even more about that greatest game of all—the ceaseless jubilant dance of the great ever-turning mandala of Life. Truly, the boy is father to the man. The boy is father to the man.”
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