By Madeline Murphy

Juggling women, also known as DMW (dating multiple women), is a tricky dating maneuver. If you attempt it recklessly, with no thought of protecting your own best interests, or the women’s feelings, you’re playing with fire.

Nonetheless, the advantages of DMW — such as no commitments, no mutual dependency and having a variety of women to choose from — often far outweigh the disadvantages, which can include ruining your reputation or facing a woman’s rage once she learns that she’s not the only one. It’s up to you to decide whether you should pursue this option with the calculated risks in mind.

If you still want to play, there are a few simple rules of thumb you can follow to have all the fun of dating without the hassles of a serious relationship.

Set the tone
The key to DMW is keeping the tone light from the get-go. Be humorous and fun, setting the stage for future interaction. Hint vaguely through your actions that you could be looking for more, but don’t flat-out state that you’re looking for a soul mate just to spark her interest. Don’t do anything that could give her cause for complaint later on. Don’t lead her on.

Keep the conversation light and focused on safe, general topics. Spending time together in a group setting, rather than one-on-one, is also good for maintaining a DMW situation. Be relatively open about yourself, especially if she asks a direct question, but don’t volunteer your deepest, darkest secrets. If you share a lot with her, she’ll naturally assume that you’re heading toward a serious relationship.

Let her know that you don’t expect her to be dating you exclusively, and vice-versa. It’s unfair, even hypocritical, for you to exhibit jealousy when you learn that she’s dating other people if you’re doing the same thing. Also, if she makes it clear from the beginning that she’s looking for something long-term, save her and yourself a lot of grief and don’t start dating.

Avoid clingers
A common hazard in DMW is that the happy-go-lucky girl you meet on the first date can sometimes scarily morph into the “I want to be the mother of your children” woman, or the clinger, by date two or three. It’s impossible to juggle a clinger because she’ll ratchet the intensity of your relationship up at the speed of light. If you notice this tendency cropping up in a woman, walk away before it’s too late.

Clingers are easily identifiable. They aren’t good at concealing their real motivations and feelings, and generally give themselves away pretty quickly. They’ll call your number or e-mail you the very next day after a first date, hoping to cement the relationship, but really only revealing their desperation. They’ll act possessive of you even if you’re not officially together, and they tend to view sex as a serious indicator of commitment rather than, well… just sex.

There are also many girls out there who are the polar opposites of clingers. They tend to be happier and more light-hearted, regardless of whether they are single or in a relationship. If they call you first after a number exchange, they won’t do so immediately, and they might not invite you on a straight-up date, but just to let you know about a get-together with a larger group of people. This type of girl is prime DMW material.

Spread yourself out
To avoid earning a negative reputation, and to keep ladies from learning the extent of your involvement with other women, never try to DMW within one group of friends. This is a recipe for disaster. Consider the fall-out of having a whole circle of girl friends mad at you. You’ll have to start avoiding certain bars and entire areas of town if you burn all your bridges in one place like that.

Simultaneously date women who do not know one another, who live in different parts of town, and run in different circles. It’s common sense, and it’s crucial.

Limit communications
Successful DMW is all about time management, or placing limitations on the number and duration of times you spend with any one girl. By only contacting them occasionally — not enough to build a real relationship, but not so rarely that they lose all interest in you — you can successfully date a handful of women simultaneously. I would suggest juggling only three to five at any given time. Any more than that becomes too time-consuming and stressful, taking all the usual fun out of DMW.

Limiting communications actually serves a double purpose: it makes DMW physically possible in terms of time, and it makes it less likely that you will form a strong bond with any one of the girls. It also makes it possible to juggle women for longer periods of time.

For example, if you’re just dating one girl, with whom you communicate and spend time several times a week, the relationship will likely develop quite quickly, almost beyond your control. If you’re dating several women, with whom you only have contact once a week, or even biweekly, the relationships will proceed at a more manageable pace, making it possible to juggle them for months.

Strategic reminders
One of the most vital aspects of maintaining a DMW situation is strategically reminding women of your interest. Women aren’t stupid; they know when they’re not being given a man’s full attention and will soon come to resent it. To lull their insecurities and keep them on a line, remember the following advice: Quality, not quantity of time spent together is paramount .

In other words, to make up for only seeing each other sporadically, when you actually do hang out, focus 100% of your attention on her, and really enjoy your time. Don’t answer a pager, don’t talk about other women and turn your cell phone off, if need be. Treat her as if she’s the only one when you’re with her.so remember…The cardinal rule of DMW is keeping your relationships at a light, almost superficial level. This can be accomplished by selecting the right girls, avoiding the troublesome clingy ones, and limiting your time together.

Finally, pour on the charm and interest when you actually are together, and you’ll be able to maintain multiple relationships with relative ease. And the best part is that, if you play your cards right from the get-go and you end up realizing that one girl is head-and-shoulders above the rest, you will have the option of easing out of the other relationships and seeing her exclusively.

Happy juggling!
Link

The Chargers have clinched the AFC Division Championship and are looking forward to losing in the playoffs this year. Coach Marty Schottenheimer is excited because there are still a couple teams that he has yet to lose to in the playoffs.

“We expect to be in every game of the regular season, but in the playoffs, I don’t stand a chance.”

All World Running Back, LaDanian Tomlinson is breaking all kinds of records this year, but knows that breaking Marty’s playoff futility is virtually impossible.

“We are tearing it up in the regular season, this is our crowning moment. We know the mojo going against Coach Schottenheimer is way too strong to overcome. Our only hope is to at least get to the AFC Championship game. If we do that for Coach, we have succeeded.”

Marty has been the number one seed in the playoffs several times before, including going 13-3 with homefield advantage throughout the playoffs in both 1995 and 1997 with the Chiefs, and blew each opportunity.

“I blame it on Ernest Byner.” Schottenheimer stated. “If he had only held on to the ball vs the Broncos in 1988.” He said, referencing, ‘The Fumble’. “I was coaching the Browns. We had a chance! Damn that Drive. Damn you, Ernest Byner! Damn you, John Elway!”

However, as it stands several thousand new bandwagoneers still think there is hope, as they aren’t familiar with Marty’s playoff futility.

“I just love this team. They have been around a few years now, I think… I went to my first game this year. We were loud. I like them. We are gonna win the Superbowl, I know it!” Said one fan, wearing a brand-new tucked in LaDanian Tomlinson jersey.

All of a sudden, fans of the 13-2 Chargers are coming out of the woodwork, spoutin’ off about how they have the best team in the NFL and are Superbowl bound, talking all kinds of smaque. However, they know not of the Curse of Marty/ Ernest Byner and their inevitable sad, sad fate.

©TimeCheeze.com

Do you gaze upon the cars of the street racers with awe and pride? Do you wish that someday, just maybe, you could be like them? (Except without the criminal record) If so, this article is for you! We will explore how to pimp-out your ride in under one paycheck. But be forwarned, in addition to looking cool, you will now have to worry about getting pulled over by the police because your car experience significant performance gains.

The first step to improving your car is to update the interior of the car, as this is where all serious performance gains come from.

• NOS steering wheel cover -
  We all know that NOS means performance. The obvious step to making your car faster is to invest in a NOS steering wheel cover. This will ensure a firm grip during cornering, as well as increased handling while weaving in and out of traffic at an excess of 75mph.

• R-Racing Floor Mats -
  Nothing will add to the solid plastic feel of your import like a low-cost set of floor mats. ‘R-Racing’ floor mats are a good choice because the ‘R’ emulates Honda’s Type-R paraphernalia but at a fraction of the cost.

• NX Racing Seat Covers -
  While subtly referencing the admirable Acura NSX, NX seat covers will nicely accent the interior of your import. Acceleration and braking should be noticebly improved.

• In order to ensure presice shifting, smooth quick acceleration, and firm braking, a set of pedal covers is essential. You will feel a liberation of your left foot as you glide effortlessly from gear to gear, and acceleration will be like a trip though Aumsville, Oregon (quick).

Once the interior is to your satisfaction, you can move on towards the outside of the car. Please note that exterior mods do not have as much bearing on performance as interior upgrades.

• Wheel Covers -
  In the old days, they called these “hub caps,” but to keep up our images, we now call them wheel covers. Capable of blinding a disabled VietNam war veteran at 50 yards, wheel covers make an amazing difference in how others view your car.

Though mechanical modifications yield the least of the performance gains on imported vehicles, it will give you something to talk about among your buddies if you are feeling particularly manly that day.

• Performance air filter -
  Let your car breath freely, as our engines require lots of fresh, cool air to run optimally. Choose a K&N air filter to do the job. (WARNING: this may noticably increase horsepower and acceleration)

• Performance muffler -
  What ride would be complete without an oversized performance muffler? You can warn your neighbors of your presence from over five (5) blocks away with a good muffler. Shove in the clutch and throw the motor a quick rev (6,000+ rpms) and you can be detected from nearly one (1) mile away. That’s right - 5280 ft of pure import sound waves!

When selecting a muffler, ensure that the exiting tailpipe is at least twice the diameter of the rest of the exhaust piping. Please note that it is not necessary to upgrade any exhaust piping other than the muffler when performing this modification, contrary to the above picture, which shows some pre-muffler piping.
Well, there you have it - all the modifications your car needs to be up to par with the street racers! If you’re not up to the challenge just yet, go downtown on Friday night, and wiggle through traffic. If you don’t love the way your car drives, you have probably improperly performed one of the above modifications. These mods may be challenging, but your car will thank you!

Note:
For those who were too blind to catch it, this article took a sarcastic approach to the world of imported vehicle modifications. And please, for Pete’s sake, I DO know that the cars at the top were a 77 Honda Civic and a late 90’s Mitsubishi Eclipse, which will never look like each other. Please drive responsibly and try not to get on my nerves, if you still feel you need to drive one of these crazed import cars (that includes ‘domestic imports’). And since the way I wrote this article doesn’t let me write it anywhere else, I officially dub this article (unofficially) ‘How to Rice Your Ride’

“I did talk to the commissioner, and I did urge them to take some action against this,” Polian admitted to the Indianapolis Star on Monday. “It’s virtually impossible for our guys to compete when they’re having the ball shoved down their throats all day. Yesterday the Jaguars had two guys over 100 yards in the first half. The first half! By the end of the game they had some nobody third stringer in there rushing for touchdowns. It’s ridiculous. The league is going to have to address this at some point if it wants us to stop embarrassing ourselves every week.”

Polian then used a videotape from the game to illustrate examples of opponents punishing his defense with running plays.

“Okay, here’s a play from the second quarter,” he began. “Our defense is in a Cover 2. Now slow it down a little and you can see right…there, there’s a handoff to the running back. Now watch as he darts up the middle of the field for the touchdown. See, that’s where we’re having the problem. They do this all game. Our defenders don’t know what the hell is going on. Look – Dwight Freeney is still in the backfield looking for the quarterback. The rules need to be adjusted to make it fair for everyone, otherwise we’ll never win a Super Bowl, and then the whole league suffers.”

Polian has complained to the league in the past about unfair practices, and is believed to be the driving force behind the recent emphasis on protecting wide receivers from contact down the field. His new crusade, however, isn’t gaining much support from other owners.

“Bill has gone too far this time,” said one AFC owner. “It’s one thing to complain about your receivers getting bumped, but rushing the football is an integral part of the game. That being said, I can see why he’s upset. That rushing defense is a horror show. I can’t wait until we play them in a couple weeks. We’re going to let this Make-A-Wish kid be offensive coordinator for a day. All he has to do is call ‘run up the middle’ all day and we should win by four or five touchdowns.”

When told of Polian’s complaint to the league, Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio was stunned, and insisted he did nothing wrong in deciding to go with a run-heavy offensive game plan.

In fact, Del Rio said he would make the same decision again if the two teams meet in the playoffs.

“It’s pretty surprising that Bill would do something like this,” Del Rio said. “He’s been in the league a long time and I’m sure he’s aware of the rules. Obviously we decided to run the ball a lot because that’s our strength. The fact that we had so much success is a testament to our run-blocking and our backs’ ability to find the holes – or in this case, the deep, yawning chasms. Not to make fun of them or anything, but it’s pretty bad when you have to start passing the ball to avoid running up the score.”

Despite the controversy, the league plans to look closely at game tapes to see if there is any merit to Polian’s complaints. Commissioner Goodell did say he was “alarmed” by the number of rushing yards the Colts allowed on Sunday.

“Obviously when we saw 375 yards a red flag went up,” Goodell said. “It’s in everybody’s best interests to have a level playing field, and if some teams have an unfair advantage over others, we have to address that. Mr. Polian is a man who cares deeply about fair play and never hesitates to call attention to inequities, especially when they work against his team. A couple years ago he actually complained about the weather. He said it was too cold during road games. Lo and behold, the winters seem to be getting warmer. Like I always say, squeaky wheel gets the grease.”

http://thebrushback.com/crackdown_full.htm

If you are sick and tired of listening to Vitale, and you are fortunate enough to have access to an audio receiver + surround sound speakers, here is an easy and 100% effective way to eliminate Vitale and Patrick from your viewing experience. If the game is being broadcast in Dolby Digital 5.1 (not sure if that means the game has to be in high def or not, the audiophiles on the board can correct me), the audio is divided up such that the rear channels are *only* the ambient crowd and stadium noises.

On a whim during the Indiana game, I muted the front-left, front-center, front-right, and subwoofer - leaving only my rear channels. To my delight, the only sound remaining was that of Cameron: sneakers squeaking on the hard wood, the crowd shouting, and the occasional PA announcement. You don’t hear a peep out of ESPN! If you already have a surround sound setup, you should test this out (unless you enjoy hearing Vital sing ‘Hear Comes Santa Claus’).

Brought to you by a Duke Cameron Crazy

COLUMBUS, OH - In what many BCS officials are citing as “proof that their flawless system indeed works,” no Division 1-A college football team was found to possess the sheer excellence required to face Ohio State, the No. 1 ranked team since the season began, in this year’s BCS Championship game.

“The main job of the BCS is to place the best football players in the nation in a single game in order to decide the national champion,” said BCS chairman Mike Coleman. “This year, our computer took hours to process the polls’ relevant data—by which I mean the opinions of the nation’s finest sportscasters, sports-radio hosts, coaches, color commentators, and ESPN The Magazine contributors—and determined that no championship game is necessary. No team in America deserves to even step on the same field as Ohio State, let alone actually play in a game against them.”

“It’s good to know that, after the Harris and the USA Today polls carefully and painstakingly take care of the fallible, emotional, potentially biased human element of the ranking through old-fashioned voting, the BCS then takes that human element and subjects it to its own infallible rigid mathematical formulas,” Coleman continued. “It’s a confidence-inspiring system that has never failed us before.”

“Although I’ll be the first to admit that previous years have usually featured some sort of game,” Coleman added.

According to Coleman, the University of Florida’s lackluster running game and one-loss season, USC’s “abominable” offense and two losses, and Michigan having already lost to Ohio State 42-39 seemed to be the determining factors in the BCS’s decision. Coleman also said that Ohio State clearly being the most popular and exciting team in college football didn’t hurt. However, Coleman insisted on adamantly stating for the record that the BCS is not a popularity contest.

“I think this year more than any other year proves that the BCS is working,” ESPN College GameDay anchor Lee Corso said during a live broadcast from Ohio State’s campus. “The system does an excellent job taking into consideration things that poll voters don’t even think about: strength of schedule, whether or not the team won their conference, total distance the teams’ fans are willing to travel for bowl games, average amount spent on souvenirs by alumni, and grade point average. After all those things, it’s Ohio State, baby. And only Ohio State.”

Corso then put on the costume head of Ohio State mascot Brutus Buckeye and was met with cheers from thousands of students.

“My guys were disappointed at first, but they eventually understood,” said Michigan coach Lloyd Carr. “We had our chance against Ohio State and we blew it, and I guess a rematch would be boring. But can you blame us for thinking we had a chance? Sure, Troy Smith is easily the best player ever, and that defense, well, quite frankly, I’d be afraid for our guys’ safety if we had to go up against that defense again, but our fans are rabidly single-minded and a lot of them have poll votes.”

“I wish Bo Schembechler had lived to see this,” Carr added. “He had a vote in the poll, you know.”

Florida Gators head coach Urban Meyer agreed with Carr, saying that even if his team had been offered a chance to play Ohio State, he may not have taken it.

“We don’t deserve to play Ohio State. Period,” Meyer said, adding that though Florida had a tough schedule, being the SEC champion was not the same thing as being Ohio State. “Every coach that I know voted for Ohio State in the coaches’ poll, or at least had them second after their own team. In any case, I can certainly see why no one who votes in the BCS wants the national championship to be decided by a mere football game.”

All coaches interviewed supported Meyer’s claim, with the notable exception of Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis, who said that despite his team’s two losses, weak schedule, and unremarkable defense, he still felt in his heart that Notre Dame deserved a chance at the title—a feeling that, according to a BCS official who wished to remain anonymous, was not completely overruled.

“First of all, I should note that although Notre Dame is an independent, and a highly regarded independent at that, it does not have its own special set of rules as far as determining its football team’s rankings,” the official said. “Instead, we use a special set of mathematical algorithms to determine its football team’s rankings, which the BCS specifically determines only after ranking all the other teams. And though I shouldn’t say this, we—er, the computer—would have dearly loved to have seen Notre Dame in the championship.”

The Fox network has announced that in place of the game on January 8, it will broadcast four hours of Buckeye players working out in preparation for the 2007 NFL draft

Marino said Moon was a good athlete but was also obviously quite bright, then suggested that must mean he had an ancestor who is white.

“Warren doesn’t look like he’s that type that is just an athlete,” Marino said of Moon. “But he is an athlete who can, you know, think too. He is, man. I don’t know if some white relatives down in that line somewhere, I don’t know who saw what or where, his great-great-great-great-grandma ran over in the ’suburbs or something went down.”

Collinsworth tried to suggest to Marino that he shouldn’t go there, but Marino was having none of it, continuing:

“If great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa pulled one of them young black girls up out of the barn, ‘Come on in here for a second,’ you know, and they go out and work in the yard. You know, back in the day.”

I don’t particularly enjoy watching Marino on HBO, but I also don’t think he’s as bad a guy as he’s often made out to be….

Having said all that, I’m completely full of shit. I’m actually referencing Michael Irvin’s recent comments of Tony Romo.

Given that racially insensitive remarks usually create a media feeding frenzy, doesn’t that strike you as strange?

Okay, folks. We’re officially confused about this whole racism thing.

We get the part that calls for white guys to be severely punished and/or fired if they make bigoted, ignorant statements. Al Campanis, Rush Limbaugh, Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder.

And the latest chapter in this history of racial prejudice comes courtesy of Michael Richards, whom most people know not as “Michael Richards” but as Cosmo Kramer, the hilarious hipster doofis who lived across the hall from Jerry Seinfeld.

Each made unfortunate statements, and each paid the price.

The best example for present purposes is Snyder, who once quipped (while possibly half in the bag) that blacks are better at sports than whites due to the selective breeding practices of slave owners.

In each case, we agree with the outcry that ensued, although we still think Limbaugh’s punishment resulted more from his right-wing beliefs than from the actual content of his comments.

But what of the African-American public figure who makes comments just as idiotic, and arguably as blatantly racist? Why is a pass granted in this regard?

The most recent incident? ESPN’s Michael Irvin. Appearing Monday on ESPN Radio’s The Dan Patrick Show, Irvin pulled a Jimmy “The Greek” when suggesting that one possible explanation for Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo’s strong performance is that one of his ancestors got it on with one of those big man slaves to which Snyder referred nearly 20 years ago.

Said Irvin of Romo: “He doesn’t look like he’s that type of an athlete. But he is. He is, man. I don’t know . . . some brother down in that line somewhere. . . . I don’t know who saw what or where, his great-great-great-great-grandma ran over in the ‘hood or something went down.”

Recognizing the idiocy of Irvin’s comments, Dan Patrick said, “Oh, that’s the only way he can be a great athlete?”

“That’s not the only way, but it’s certainly one way,” Irvin said. “If great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandma pulled one of them studs up out of the barn [and said], ‘Come on in here for a second,’ you know, and they go out and work in the yard. You know, back in the day.”

Irvin likely would claim that he was joking, if the standard that has been applied to white men who have made similar comments were also applied to the Playmaker. He was, after all, laughing through some of his comments.

But does that make the comments any less ignorant, or any less racist? Irvin basically is saying that, when a white man is a great athlete, there must be something out of the ordinary occurring, because the average white man simply can’t do the same things that the average black man can.

Can someone please explain to us why Irvin hasn’t been fired or suspended or even called out for his comments?

In doing so, please tell us what you think would have happened if Steve Young or Chris Berman or Dan Patrick or any other white guy working for ESPN had uttered the exact same words.

“It does my old heart good to see Luke keep on truckin’ in this big old City of Angels, where I made such fond memories in a different era and learned for myself, like the great poet Bob Dylan once asked a heartbroken nation, how many roads a man must walk down before they could call him a man,” Walton continued, as the second quarter of play began with the score already an astounding 67-44 in favor of the Lakers. “Yes, I may indeed be suffering from a ‘touch of gray,’ as the great Jerry Garcia once said, but with the sight of my pride, my joy, and my only true immortality before me, I will get by.”

“Oh, yes! Throw it down, big man! Throw it down!” Walton said in a rare acknowledgment of on-court events as Luke Walton scored two of his 14 points on a wobbly lay-up. “It’s just possible that that was absolutely the smoothest and most fundamentally sound shot that I’ve witnessed yet this decade. Truly, the student has become a master in his own right, and the apple has not fallen far from the gnarled, wizened tree with two bad ankles I’ve become.”

Enlarge Image
“Why, it was just a week or so ago, I was watching the great John Fogerty sing ‘Fortunate Son’ for the good people during the halftime show of our Thanksgiving holiday,” Walton continued, as Kobe Bryant collided with Milwaukee center Dan Gadzuric, suffered brutal compound twin spiral fractures of his right fibula and tibia, and was carried off the floor with his career almost certainly over and his prospects of walking again in doubt. “And I thought to myself: Neither you nor I, Mr. Fogerty, you faded sage of a more innocent yet equally doomed epoch, neither you nor I are fortunate sons. But I hope my Luke is.”

“Looks like we’re ready to get going again after the interruption,” Walton added as the last of Bryant’s blood was mopped up and the younger Walton inbounded the ball. “Nice pass.”

“I couldn’t give him the world without war my generation wanted so badly for his, but I tried to raise that boy right, and I share this with all the fathers, sons, mothers, daughters, and—and everyone out there with a family,” Walton added as play stopped for almost 15 minutes while a Bengal tiger, brought in as part of the Lakers’ floor show, escaped and brutally savaged seven audience members. “We are all fortunate to have one another. Your team can be your family, and I played on a lot of close teams, but Luke, Adam, and Nathan, and Chris, they’re my Omega Point. And what’s more, they’re my actual family.”

“Yes, I’m their father,” Walton added. “They’re my sons. And Luke, my son, is playing his heart out tonight.”

“Thanks for joining myself and Snapper Jones for this meeting of the Bucks and Lakers, the team for which my boy Luke has become a man right before your very eyes and mine—eyes he’ll steal right off your face if you’re not careful, but that’s all right… the future belongs to him,” Walton said as the broadcast concluded. “To him and all the fine young men everywhere, blessed be them all. Amaste.”

The Bucks won the game, 109-105. Luke Walton finished with 14 points and seven rebounds in 29 minutes of play

“C’mon, show some pride out there for God’s sake,” Campos said from the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. “What the hell is wrong with you? Hey, Johnson & Johnson, put a little heart into it!”

Though the Dow Jones, comprising 30 of the largest and most widely held public companies in the United States, fluctuates based on external market forces such as supply and demand, Campos said the Dow can overcome any obstacle if it “just shows the will and determination” to do so.

“Forget those rumors that OPEC will cut production by 1 million barrels a day, and just remember that what matters is what’s in here,” Campos said, pounding an open palm against his chest. “This is crunch time. Now let’s show those chumps why we’re the number one stock-market index in the world.”

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Campos added with a fist pump after seeing Proctor and Gamble Co.’s value jump a half point. “P&G’s got the fire. How about the rest of you, huh? Where’s the energy? You all have to be hitting on all cylinders, not just one or two of you.”

“Do not get down, do not get down,” he added. “Plenty of time left. Plenty of time.”

Despite Campos’ insistence that the Dow just needs a little boost before the closing bell to regain some much-needed confidence, Solomon Smith Barney financial analyst Troy McGrory said a late-afternoon rally was unlikely.

“With several technology companies failing to live up to forecast projections, and the Labor Department reporting a larger than expected jump in core wholesale inflation, it’s shaping up to be a tough day for the index,” he said. “I don’t see how the Dow can pull itself out of this kind of slump.”

But Campos, a recent graduate of McMaster University’s Degroote School of Business, said he doesn’t want to hear excuses.

“The problem is we’re complacent,” Campos said. “This stock index is satisfied with 12,000 points when it should be shooting for 14, 15, or 16,000. You can’t be afraid of success. You have to lay it on the line, trust one another, and leave it all on the floor every single day.”

“I believe in my heart that this is the finest group of companies this index has ever seen,” Campos added.

Despite a general consensus among analysts that the Dow’s recent record highs are due in large part to a strong three-month upswing in the benchmark index of blue-chip stocks, Campos maintains that the success came because the index “wanted it.”

“All right!” said Campos when the index crept to 12,150 at 2:35 p.m. “Now we’re showing a little life out there!”

Though he reportedly considered burning $1 bills in order to boost the American currency’s value overseas, and distributing phony Wall Street Journals reporting that the Federal Reserve was planning to lower interest rates, Campos said the Dow “didn’t need the help.”

“Look at United Technologies Corp—we called you up to the bigs and you’re showing us all what you’re made of,” said a visibly moved Campos, choking back tears as he gazed up at the giant electronic ticker. “I’m so proud of you right now.”

Though colleagues said they appreciated the enthusiasm Campos has brought to the floor, veterans of the business said the inexperienced floor trader still had much to learn.

“You’ve got to understand that there are good days and there are bad days out there,” said Greg Samuels, 57, who has worked the markets for 30 years. “You can’t win them all, and if you take every little trade personally, it will kill you.”

Despite Campos’s pleas to “finish strong,” it appeared at press time that the index will close just below 12,200. According to Campos, if the Dow doesn’t want to disappoint the billions of people who pay good money to watch it succeed, it had better learn from today’s mistakes, and use its late momentum to “come out fired up and ready to go tomorrow.”

“Oh, look at those knees. Those are nice,” said center Tom Nalen as he watched defensive tackle Rocky Bernard in action. “I can’t wait to be diving head first into those babies next Sunday. Snap! Goodbye career! And who’s that guy next to him? The nose tackle? I see. Well, well, if it isn’t mister nose tackle, all geared up to stuff the run. Boy, he really has his game face on, doesn’t he? I bet he thinks he’s going to get into the backfield and drop someone for a loss. Well, I suppose that’s possible, though it seems like it might be a little tough when you’re trying to protect your knees from my helmet.”

Tackle Adam Meadows sat next to Nalen and joined him in sizing up the Seahawks’ knees.

“You see the way this guy just drove the o-lineman back into the backfield?” Meadows asked while watching footage of the Seahawks defensive line. “Good luck trying to do that against us. You’ll end being carted off the field on a stretcher. Oh, we don’t want that to happen, of course. We’re anything but meanies. But if someone is trying to get by us and tackle our running back, we don’t have much of a choice. So just don’t bother trying, okay? Let our guys run roughshod over you and live to fight another day.”

The Broncos have come under heavy criticism over the years for their use of “cut blocking,” a technique that involves diving at a player’s knees and ankles rather than hitting him in the numbers. The technique, combined with a complex zone blocking scheme, has made the Denver Broncos the most successful rushing team in NFL history.

Players and coaches on the Broncos plan to continue cut blocking as long as it’s legal.

“The cut block is perfectly legal,” said offensive coordinator Rick Dennison. “We’ve been doing it here for years and don’t plan on stopping now. It’s not like we’re purposely trying to injure people. Defenders can very easily protect themselves simply by not trying to tackle the running back. It’s those fools that try to be heroes that get hurt. Hey, if you didn’t want to get your legs broken, pal, you never should have tried to do your job in the first place.”

Two weeks ago, Nalen was fined by the league for hitting Chargers DT Igor Olshansky below the knees on a simple spike play. Nalen defended his actions by saying he “just couldn’t help himself.”

“I know it was just a spike play and I had no reason to try and block the guy at all, but you see, I just couldn’t help myself,” he said. “His legs looked like two big juicy steaks and I was like a starving dog. I was overwhelmed by the urge to throw my body at them and listen for that beautiful cracking sound that accompanies a devastating knee or ankle injury. It’s music to my ears. When I retire, that’s what I’m going to miss most about the NFL. That’s why I’m going to prolong my career as long as possible, which shouldn’t be too hard since I haven’t actually engaged defender in about 10 years.”

In Seattle, members of the Seahawks defense are already dreading their upcoming game against the Broncos.

“Oh boy, we’ve got the Broncos this week,” said defensive tackle Chuck Darby. “That means lots of scary, awkward collisions at the line of scrimmage. I remember last time we played them, I approached Tom [Nalen] before the game to shake his hand, and he immediately dove for my ankles. I was like ‘Dude! The game hasn’t even started yet!’ But he didn’t care. He rolled right up on my ankles and knocked me to the ground. Then I got up and punched him in the head. I ended up getting a fine and a suspension, but it was worth it, because I got to fulfill every defender’s dream of punching Tom Nalen in the head.”

http://www.thebrushback.com/kneecaps_full.htm