Wrong film though. I’m glad he finally won the thing, but if he was gonna win something, it should have been for “Goodfellas”. Instead, he lost that to Kevin Costner and some shit movie he created. Or Taxi Driver. That movie wasn’t even nominated.

Now, let me also say this. Uh, I didn’t watch the Oscars. I really couldn’t care less about the Oscars. But I can say one thing.

Reese Witherspoon is fucking hot. That is all you need to know about the Oscars.

Congrats Again to Mr. Scorsese!

Personally, I’d rather see him choke. Piss on Manning. He is on like 54% of all commercials.

Is it wrong that I want his ass to suffer a crushing defeat so him, his brother and his fucking dad will feel sadness and sorrow?

And thank you to the Bears for beating the fucking Saints. Sure it was heartwarming for the city of Nahleans to have a triumphant year and bring back hope to the Mississippi Delta. But look, Archie Manning played for the ‘Aints back in the 70’s & 80’s… if the Saints would have won… The media would be slobbing Archie’s knob all week.

I’m sick of the fucking 2 weeks between the Conference Championship games to the Superbowl. That sucks having to hear all this bullshit about these two teams. Every year, one team creams the other team and the SB is out of reach before the delivery pizza arrives.

But look, Manning needs to feel the misery forever. Its the price he has to pay for being part of that douchebag family.

Sure, people will say, ‘Oh Peyton is such a hard worker… a field general. He studies so much game film, he knows precisely who is gonna fart at precisely the time.’.

Eat a dick. Also, I want to see the Colts die a slow death because of this annoying fucking kid.

Lil Ronnie - Superbowl Bound.

I hope Urlacher jumps in the stands and tackles this kid.

tw

It’s official - Tom Cruise is divine. In a week in which we hardly need reminding that religion is the answer, not the problem, there is excellent news for imbeciles, or “Scientologists” as the sect’s leaders euphemistically insist on referring to its followers. Specifically, Tom Cruise is the new Jesus. Right backatcha, Richard Dawkins!

If you believe reports, the deeply sane Mission Impossible star has been told by church bigwigs that he is the “chosen one”, and destined to spread the word of Scientology around the world. Cynics are instructed to put aside the image of Terry Jones squawking, “He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very disturbed man!” and just acknowledge how much more resonant the whole water-into-wine thing would have been if Jesus had been able to do cool bar tricks like Tom’s character in Cocktail. Or, perhaps, like Tom’s commanding officer in Top Gun, you believe Jesus’s ego was writing cheques his body couldn’t cash, and that the whole Messiah myth will be reinvigorated by an entertainment personality with a better understanding of the need for an “up” ending.

Whatever your hopes, expect Biblical throngs to congregate from Reno to Rwanda, as Tom explains that we’re all surrounded by evil alien spirits exiled to this planet by the galactic tyrant Xenu 75 billion years ago. And then bills them $30,000 each for the information.
According to an unnamed source in the Sun (which is pretty much the same thing as according to a magic pixie): “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. Like Christ” - stay with this - “he has been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

The counter-theory, of course, is that believing that Tom is the Messiah will result in future generations having to live under the earth’s scorched crust, distilling drinking water from their own urine. But it has to be worth a punt, doesn’t it?

After One Night in Paris, what more is there left to see of the tabloid-friendly title character? Plenty, according to the minds behind parisexposed.com, a subscription-based Website launched Tuesday that is offering access to a load of Paris Hilton’s personal items in exchange for a monthly fee.

The site, which charges $39.97 and is teasing potential subscribers with a video still of Hilton soaking in a bubble bath, boasts that its brain trust has “retrieved, catalogued, itemized and digitized every last item” seized from a Los Angeles storage facility in November 2005, when Hilton apparently failed to pay a $208 bill for her sizable locker.

While Hilton’s publicist characterized the incident as a bureaucratic mix-up due to a third party’s tardiness in settling the tab, the Simple Life star’s belongings were sold for $2,775 to an unnamed buyer.

The whole kit and caboodle was then obtained by Phoenix-based broker David Hans Schmidt, otherwise known as the “Sultan of Sleaze” in honor of his ties to the celebrity porn industry.

In August, a 33-piece jewelry collection that was part of the Hilton haul found its way to eBay, where the items were auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Schmidt, in turn, unloaded the rest of the goods to ParisExposed creator Bardia Persa in September. He originally claimed that he planned to sell the entirety of the stash for the bargain price of $20 million.

In addition to jewelry, furniture, clothing, diaries, credit card bills, emails, medical records, bank statements and photos, ParisExposed also claims to have letters written by Hilton discussing on-again pal Nicole Richie and sister Nicky, a love note from former boy-toy Nick Carter and a selection of “never before seen sex videos.”

Sounds pretty personal. Hence Hilton’s rep, Elliot Mintz, told the Associated Press Tuesday they are certainly “going to explore all of [their] legal options about this matter.”

Speaking of legal options, on Monday Hilton pleaded no contest to a count of alcohol-related reckless driving stemming from her September DUI arrest and was sentenced to 36 months probation and ordered to pay a fine of $390, plus penalties.

That’s Hot!

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A koala is sitting up a gum tree … smoking a joint

when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

“Hey Koala ! What are you doing?”

The koala says,

“Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala

and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard

says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from

the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans

too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard

-GRANDPA
—– Original Message —–
Subject: FW: FOUR ADULT JOKES OF THE YEAR

Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”

———————————————————————————————–

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

————————————————————————————————

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t” she exclaimed.

“Yes, I did.” he replied.
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”
———————————————————————————–

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.”

Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps.

“One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea … I can’t hold it in

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I’d like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you in I were Squirrels, I’d store my nuts inyer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.

8) Man - “Fat Penguin!” Woman - “WHAT?” Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and…. the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up